Thursday, March 03, 2016

Satisfied .

Hey guys, so the 3rd of March is finally over. Yes, finally I can actually move on with life. Honestly, on Wednesday night, I couldn't sleep, eat or even breathe properly. I was thinking about the results and yes, I was nervous like nervous to the level where I can't actually watch the TV or scroll my phone without imagining the word, SPM. I felt ready sad for some reasons that I can't actually tell you. You know, ever since day 1 of form 4 till the last day of form 5, I've never enjoyed studying, I always had a feeling that I made my biggest mistake. I got straight A's for PMR and yes, I was happy because I totally deserved it. But I wasn't happy in form 4 or 5 because I was in Science stream and that's when my self esteem lowered to the point where I felt like I was the stupidest person in the whole school. I felt extremely lonely and sad.

After nearly two years of being in Science stream, I was scared to face SPM. I was scared that maybe I wasn't ready to face all those super hard subjects. But guess what, time never stops. So, during the whole month of SPM, I was trying my best to understand every single question before answering it. I answered my best and I hoped for the best results. Almost all the subjects were hard and I even felt that I couldn't get an A for English.

After SPM ended, everyone was already partying / celebrating their 'independence' but I was still thinking about SPM, I was still thinking about all my answers and how hard it was. I felt like I wanna die before March arrives. A lot of my friends told me that SPM was hard, and they couldn't do a lot of questions. I felt relieved because I thought I was the only one that felt that way. Three months passed by so swiftly that results day was today. Although I'm typing this at 1;31 a.m on the 4th of March but I'm still going to consider it's the 3rd of March.

So, today morning I went to school and I felt so nervous. I walked into the Dewan and a lot of parents were already there. I went to my friends and we talked. All of them were just as nervous as me and all together we were just one big bunch of nervous teenagers trying to figure out what the hell life's about. Then they started announcing all the Straight A's students and when they announced Afiqah Chek and Melissa Suraya, I was happy because they are really smart and they totally deserved it haha congrats guys if you guys are even reading my blog haha. After all of that, we can finally take our results. So as I expected, I didn't get straight A's and I went to my class teacher and she said 'Congrats Jay!' and she gave me my results. I looked at it and I felt satisfied then my classmates took their results too and they kinda got the same results as mine and we were just smiling. Then, I looked back again at my results and I got 3 B+ , like what the hell if all of that is like A- , I would be getting 8A's. But I was beyond grateful that my results are average and just fine.

I came back home and my Whatsapp was flooding with messages. I got to know that Dharrmin and Sid got 10A's , Sasi got 8A's, Sharon got 8A's, Morgan got 9A's and one of my cousin got 10A's. Yes, immediately I felt stupid. I felt like they were saying the exams were hard and they go straight A's, while I was saying the exams were hard and I only got an average result. I just went into my room, cried and I felt stupid; again. I felt stupid because I didn't get 8A's or anything. I felt my results was just a wooden fence and their results was the huge triple storey mansion behind the wooden fence. Then, I felt sad, I didn't eat lunch and proceed to reply all the congrats messages that were sent to me. I felt happy at school, but now I feel like shit at home. I have no one to talk to and I feel like my future's over. Then, I calmed myself down and I talked to myself. 

I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. I'm sure all my friends are gonna get scholarships and they will be leaving this place and going to a new place to future their studies. I don't know whether I can even get any courses. I just feel the best thing now is to do form 6 or maybe go to matrics. I have no idea what I'm gonna do with my life. Why does my results have to be so average? Am I being ungrateful? No, I'm satisfied and grateful with my results. I just hope people won't say bad things about me just because I didn't get straight A's for SPM like how I got for UPSR & PMR. As I'm finishing this paragraph, tears are rolling down my cheeks, I'm crying because I hate myself and there's nothing anyone can do about it- bye .

ps; just ignore all the typos, just too tired to even read this back ;(