Tuesday, June 13, 2017


To the few real friends that I have, thanks for making me feel comfortable, making me laugh and smile because it shows how real you guys are and I really appreciate it. 

I lost contact with a lot of high school friends because things get awkward when you don't talk to each other for a long time. 

Nowadays, as I scroll through Instagram, it's just mostly selfies and pictures that don't make sense. I just kinda miss the moment when I scroll through Instagram and I saw pictures of my friends. Now I'm just seeing pictures of people that I used to be friends with.

Sorry for not going out, not spending time, not replying properly to any of you all. It's just a phase in my life where I just don't feel like doing anything.

I just felt really happy in the past few days because I met my family-friends, then we went out and almost threw up because we were eating and drinking, a lot I can say. 

So, I guess I'll just continue being happy with the people that makes me happy and puts in effort to make things happen. 

Most importantly, thanks for being by my side.


Tuesday, June 06, 2017

Is it just me ?

When we were kids, like around 6,7 years old, we were happy. Not only we were happy, but we were also satisfied with whatever we had. No matter if it's just a pencil or a maybe a colouring book, we were grateful. Not to mention when we were at the supermarket and all we wanted was probably chocolates, snacks, ice creams and maybe soda. To be extremely honest with you, I wish I was a child again. It's not like I'm very old and have ten children waiting to get married, but fairly I would say that I miss my childhood.

If you're still reading this despite the fact that my intro is damn freaking boring and not making a single sense, I would like to ask you to close your eyes and remember one ugly kid or an ugly teacher when you were in your pre-school and primary school. I can actually say, I don't remember anyone that was ugly or any teacher that was ugly or hot, handsome and stuff. It's because when we were kids, we were friends with people because we like their personality or either we shared the same interests as them. I can confirm that most of us, chose our friends during primary school and pre-school based on what made us 'click' together, and in my case, I was friends with everyone that can actually talk English because I talk English at home. Not to throw shade at my mother tongue language, but I started talking Tamil when I was around 13. I understood Tamil, but I was afraid of talking because I was not fluent and I'm scared my fellow Indian friends were gonna be like da ef bro. Now, I can talk Tamil quite fluently, also English and Malay. I can understand 4/5 languages so don't freak out if I know what you're talking haha.

So, back to the whole childhood thing. Remember when we were growing up, we wanted things because we wanted it to make our own stupid self happy. Tell me, when you were small, you bought that ice cream or shoes or toys for what? We bought it because we wanted it because we were stupid and love wasting money, we wanted to have it solely for our self. I know when I was small, I was obsessed with racing cars, dinosaurs, animals ( I still have them, I don't know what to do with them now, I told you, our choices weren't that smart last time ) and I was always getting good grades because then only I can actually expand my toy empire shit hahaha ( okay, I was a nerd ). Regardless of what we did when we were small, we did it to make ourselves happy.

Now, I'm gonna move on to a more serious thing, yes, I'm gonna talk about race and skin colour. When we were kids, like we had friends right ( like if you didn't have friends, just chill the ef out because you're awesome anyways ) , we had friends from various kind of backgrounds, race and skin colour. I know some of you all went to primary schools that only had one type of race and I have nothing to say but you missed out all the fun honestly. Okay, I went to a national school , also known as a 'sekolah kebangsaan' and we had like 3-4 types of races in that school and it was a whole lot of fun. I still remember in my class during standard 6, there were like 44 of us and it consists of Malays, Indians, Siamese and we were literally so close. At that time, you can actually see that there was no boundaries between us even though we vary in race and skin colour. Definitely we were close friends and I still remember us sharing food and just being genuine friends. 

I'm almost 20, it means I might be 18 or 19 *wink* It also means I'm done with school and still in school *wink* again. So, I'm still in school and you might be thinking da ef is this old hag doing in school, he should be in matriculation or foundation or concealer or lip liners or eye liners or kylie lip kit *not a promo*. Well guess what, my brain doesn't know whats the difference of protons and neutrons and it's also because I ef-ed up my addmaths like hello X, who's the Y now ? okay it's still you and it doesn't matter because I'm finally done with you guys hahaha , yes I'm talking to you - phy, chem, logy and add-sheeran . Moving on, I think that as we grew up, we actually changed and some of it is the bad kind of change and it's actually not that good.

I'm actually talking about this based on things that happened to me and things that I experienced so I'm not generalizing anyone so don't bring that whole 'he's talking bad about me' shit here because I'm talking about things as open as I can and if you can't accept it, I suggest you click the X on the tab and browse something else and in fact, before doing that just click refresh, because you know I'll just have more pageviews *wink* (third one damn it)  

So, when we were in high school, things changed, like a lot. I just realized that people started choosing their friends based on good looks and good grades, overall people was just choosing people. Like, all of a sudden The Voice audition is happening, four chairs turn around and 4 people shouting 'pick me' and honestly, it's so stupid. I'm a blessed to actually have friends like the people in my drama team (missing you guys) , and also my anthe gang (you guys too) and a few more. It's because during high school, people tend to be friends with people that are more good looking, fairer and popular because they wanted to feel cool or idk. I still remember there was this one time, I was at an assembly and a girl got an award for representing the school in a sport event and the crowd was cheering. The moment she went on stage, a few boys (juniors) standing in front of me said 'why are we clapping for her she's black and fat' and at that time, I was like da ef. I imagined instantly like what if I'm on stage, receiving anything or becoming the emcee, like what are these people gonna say to me. I was also like bruh, that girl just won an award, you guys are just standing here , judging her by her looks and skin colour. Stupid? Absolutely.

 There's a few people in my class, as I could recall them as racists, that made me feel like I should drive a truck and hit them. So, as usual, we were learning geography in class one day, and the teacher asked where do black people come from? referring the term 'black' as in 'africans' and  a group of girls like 4-5 people ( the racist ones ) yelled out 'India, because Indians are black' and literally I was offended because they clearly know there's Indians in my class . The teacher handled the whole thing professionally by saying that they were wrong and it was Africa and Indians are brown. Then, a few weeks later, these same group of people were waiting by the road side after school. My sister came to fetch me and they were like looking at me and my sister. The very next day, they came to me and said 'your sister is fair, your mum is Chinese or what? ' and I was like ' Do you think all Indians are dark' . Like honestly, it boggles my mind that these people watch Bollywood movies and are still dumb as ef. Yes, Kareena Kapoor, Aishwarya Rai, Priyanka Chopra, Katrina Kaif, Ranbir Kapoor, Varun Dhawan are all Indians and yes, fair Indians do exists and yes again we vary in skin colours. Just stop generalizing stuffs. Just to put this out there, do you guys know that Kpop stars get melanin reduction surgeries and go for bleaching to whiten their skin? yes, they are Korean and yes, not all Koreans look like the ones we see on tv with their white , flawless skin ,and  sharp features. So stop being a a racist person and just accept every type of skin colour because we are all beautiful in our own weird way haha. Also yes, white people go tanning to become dark so I guess we should just chill the ef out hahaha.

Last but not least, I feel that since we grew up, we are actually being spoiled just because of social media. It has became a norm that everyone should use fancy iphones and go to expensive places just to create a fake Instagram feed to look great. It's not wrong but it's just that nowadays we care so much about things that don't actually matter. I know this is actually easier to be said than done because we all are actually so into social media , including myself, like I'm always scrolling for no apparent reason and forcing myself to take great pictures hahaha. Well, I guess this whole social media thing is already like a lifeline for everyone. I'm just gonna share this with you guys, like I don't use my phone when I'm out with my friends. Like yes, we take selfies and stupid videos but then I don't actually use my phone to check Instagram or Twitter because I feel like I should enjoy the moment and actually have a great time with my friends so I guess that's a good thing to do. Also, try to actually sink in reality than just being on social media 24/7 , like don't be that person that's on Instagram double-tapping your cousin's photo when your cousin is actually sitting in front of you.

So, that's all I have for you guys after months and months of not updating due to exams, coursework and extreme stress. I know I started off with the whole idea of being kids then actually ranting about how the society changes when we grow up and I know it might have been a bit boring because I always like to write about funny things ( stop thinking you're Ellen and stfu dear self ) . I had to write this because I feel like this thing has to be said somewhere so I chose to say it here, on my blog because I feel that my readers are usually my really close friends that are very open minded. 

I don't know whether I should post this or not, but then I think I should because I wrote this for 2 hours straight and my leg is hurting. 

Anyways, I didn't update my blog since last year wow I'm dumb hahaha and I still get about 90+ page views a month which is a great thing because I know my friends are constantly refreshing to see if I update anything cc: +Shafiqah Amira . Thanks to all my other friends who constantly come hear as well to actually see whether I update or not. I'm so sorry because I don't have time and I don't actually feel like updating sometimes so that's it I guess. 

Finally, I would like to say that I know probably this update is a bit boring and more towards ranting than story telling but I guess I should actually be real and avoid the whole 'what if people get butthurt' thing because I feel we should actually respect one another and be kind and not discriminate people based on their race and skin colour. Thta's all I guess, I should stop writing rn but then I feel like typing some more, so shall we move on to the possibly next and last paragraph.

I would also like to say that I haven't change the theme and header of my blog because I don't know how the ef to do it. Like I have no idea how people make their blog look super dope, like my blog looks dumb as f so anyways hope you had fun reading and have a great week , bye!

ps; I didn't check my grammar or for typos after writing this so just ignore any grammatical errors and typos *wink*

pps; I might not post this , but I did


Monday, December 19, 2016

Goodbye 2016 ,

Hi, it's been quite a while since I updated and honestly I miss all those days when ideas were just in my fingertips and I could just update like every single week but those days are over I guess. So, this might be a lil early to actually say goodbye to 2016 because there's still 10+ days left before the year ends. Like who knows what the hell is gonna happen in these remaining amount of days but I really hope it's gonna be the best days of my life. Although this is just the intro of this update, I'm gonna conclude that 2016, is a year filled with depressing events, extreme solitary moments and a whole new process of re-discovering myself. 

First of all, I just finished my semester 1 exams about two weeks ago. Overall, it was hard. Some sections were okay, some were really hard and the time given for all the papers were certainly not enough at all. This is definitely the first time where I had a lot of things in my head to write on the test pad but I had no time. This is definitely a weird experience for me and it's gonna continue for another 2 semesters and let's hope for the best. I really hope that I can get at least 3.1 for my first semester because it was so hard. 

Now, let's move on to my social life a.k.a Instagram, Twitter and everything else that needs an internet connection. This year, I have successfully removed WeChat from my life. WeChat has been the stupidest social media app I have on my phone because I don't even use it for chatting, I don't even use it's video call, voice call options and I seriously don't give a f about it. The only reason why I was so addicted to WeChat because of it's 'moments' feature where you can read moments shared by your friends. It's basically like facebook's status update. So, finally thank God, I no longer need to use that effin app that takes up so much of my storage and ruined my life. 

This year, I've also got rid of Instagram for 2 months due to busy schedules and I had no time to actually take pictures and upload and do all that ish. So, getting rid of Instagram was one of my huge accomplishments this year. but I'm currently active on Instagram because hello it's December, so I will be posting tons of pictures, like maybe even every single day probably so to catch up you need to follow me. Shut up and go and follow my Instagram , it's @unavailable17 , okay thanks now let's proceed to the next topic shall we.

From left; Dharrmin, Sasikheeran and not me.

Holidays in December means catching up with my best friends. Okay, before I continue, I just wanna clear things up, I don't have a lot of friends. I know a lot of people but that doesn't mean we are friends. I have like quite a number of close friends (lts, drama, childhood, primary & highschool) and I rather have like a small group of close friends than large groups so now let's move on. So, the other day, I had like a class gathering that doesn't actually make any sense cause' we are gonna be in the same class next year but still they had like a gathering which was a really stupid idea. After coming back home from the class gathering, I checked my phone and I had like 3 missed calls from Dharrmin and I called him back and he answered. I was like 'hey , what's up, why did you call me?' and he replied 'nah, nothing important, it's just that Kubang Pasu looks different now'. I was like 'no, it's still the same to me, what the hell is wrong with you?' and he replied 'what the hell is wrong with you Jayshan, I'm at Jitra'. So, the next 15 minutes, I was freaking out because it's really hard for Dharrmin to actually come to Jitra, Kedah since he's staying at KL plus busy with his studies and etc.

 After that, Dharrmin told me, 'I'll only be here for 4 days, plan as much as you can and don't tell Sasi that I'm here'. The next day, I called Sasi and I had to lied because he didn't know Dharrmin's here so I lied to Sasi that we have to go out because I'm craving for KFC. Then Sasi seemed puzzled and he was like 'why KFC, I thought we are going to aman on wednesday, today is tuesday, we can just go to KFC tomoro' and I was like 'No, we have to go to KFC at Jitra because it's nicer than the one at aman' and this shows that I'm so bad at lying. The plan failed because Sasi's parents were going to Penang and he was following them. So, the day ended with me and dharrmin whatsapping all day because we didn't kow what do.

On wednesday, around 9:45 am, I left my house to fetch Sasi from his place then once Sasi was in the car, I told Sasi that I need to go to Dharrmin's house because I need to give some things to Dharrmin's uncle. So, Sasi was again confused. So we went to Dharrmin's house, and Dharrmin came out of the house and for the next 10 minutes , Sasi was freaking out. So, the plan worked and we were on our way to Aman Central (which is the only cool place to hangout). I was driving and then Sasi suggested me to use the highway and I was like okay, sure. Then, while I was reaching the tol plaza, I just realized that nowadays there's no longer cash and there's only Touch&Go or SmartTag , I didn't bring my Touch&Go card and then I was freaking out, I was like ' What the ef there's no cash, I don't have Touch&Go' and Sasi was like 'High five, I don't have Touch&Go also' and I was like panicking the shit out and then Dharrmin was like 'chill, take my Touch&Go card' and I was like thank God one of us had a freaking Touch&Go card. So I asked Dharrmin, 'why do you have a Touch&Go card' and he was like ' Dude, I live in KL, there's a tol plaza every 100 metres'.

After 20 minutes or so, we reached Aman Central. I waited beside the road while Sasi and Dharrmin went to Gsc to grab tickets because we wanted to watch 'Fantastis Beasts and Where To Find Them'. Like, 10 minutes later, they got the tickets and we went to restaurant which was quite near to Amn Central and had breakfast there. Then after having breakfast, we drove back to Aman Central and parked in the effin basement because I was driving a manual car and hell no, I'm not gonna go park m car in the 6th floor. After that, we grabbed popcorns and we headed to the cinema to watch the movie. The movie was moderate, I would give 2/5, it was nice, but the plot was a lil slow and the book itself was like a journal so they couldn't actually adapt things directly from it. So, after watching the movie, we walked around Aman and didn't know what the hell to do before entering our best friends house, also known as McDonalds. So, as usual we ordered more fries than burgers and more ice creams than coke and we ate while talking about everything. After talking and eating non-stop for almost 3 hours, we had to leave because Sasi had a tennis practice at 430pm. So, we rushed to the basement, grabbed his clothes, then after changing we left Aman Central to the tennis court. Then, it was goodbye Sasi and we headed back home.

So, while on our way home, I stopped by the roadside for like 30 minutes so that me and Dharrmin can actually have like deep convos and I know this sounds really weird but yeah, we actually did that. So, later once we reached Dharrmin's uncle's place, we literally sat in the car for another hour just to chat. After another hour of bullshit talking and deep convos, we decided to bid goodbye before I headed home. End of our Day 1 hangout.

Memories , 2005-2011

The next day, I woke up early and I went to fetch Sasi at around 9am. Haha, I know, we decided to go out again because hell no, one day is not enough for our nonsense. So, after fetching Sasi, we decided to go to Dharrmin's place and when we were arriving there, we saw Monica and Sharon were waiting for both of us at Dharrmin's place because they wanted to join us. So, I parked my car at Dharrmin's place and we all went together Monica's car. First stop, SK Sultan Ahmad Tajuddin.The place where everything started. Man, I miss that school. I miss the atmosphere and all the friendly people. I miss the time when we were kids. The time when our similarities were cherished and our differences were pushed aside. The time when no cared about how beautiful or handsome you are, the time where no one compares skin color and the time when the only thing that matters is friendship and accomplishing goals together. Now, everyone just became selfish, bold the differences between each other but that's reality guys. So, we toured the school and I can say that SKSAT is really nice now. The buildings are painted, they have colorful murals like literally everywhere, everything is renovated and everything look very majestic and modern compared to when we were studying there. We started laughing and sharing our stories like how we met during primary school and how we fought over stupid little things. We were kinda bummed because we visited the school in December and there's no students or teachers at the school. It was empty and the security guards were on spying us haha.

So, while we were walking out of our standard 6 classroom, we saw two teachers and not just teachers, it was Cikgu Zaleha and Cikgu Hamidah. They are sisters and both of them were teaching us since we were like 8 till 12, and their children is like our friends, Auni and Izzati plus Cikgu Zaleha was my class teacher in year 3 and Cikgu Hamidah was my class teacher in year 4,5, and 6. So, they were shocked to see us at school and we talked for a while. They still remember us because they said that our batch 98' was the one that created history because during UPSR 2010, 67 of us got straight A's and then the school got tons of money and later upgraded to a high performance school, so I guess it was our success batch 98' (I bet Shafiqah Amira is like yassss rn because we were in the same school last time haha). Then, we took pictures with the teachers then we left SKSAT.

just pretend this is the first time you're seeing this picture,
 no, it's not on Instagram , what's Instagram , I only use Gmail

We headed to Pizzahut for our brunch because no one had breakfast yet and it was already lunchtime. So we went to Pizzahut and the moment we entered Pizzahut, all of us were fighting for the cushion seats as usual because no one wanted to sit on the chair hahaha. Then, Sharon gave up and she sat on the chair. Then we took 30 minutes to order and we finally made our decisions and the continuation of this story is on my Instagram , @unavailable17 , post no. 135 . So, after having a great time filled with stupid endless jokes and good food, we decided to go and leave Sharon at home because it was already around 4pm. Then, Monica left the three of us at Dharrmin's place and we bid goodbye to Monica. Actually, after arriving at Dharrmin's place, I was suppose to go home and also sent Sasi home but instead we crashed Dharrmin's place and hangout till 7.30pm. Then, it was already getting late and we had to go home. So we hugged Dharrmin and waved goodbye before leaving. I drove to Sasi's place to leave him there and that's the end of our hangout.

Most people probably don't get it why I'm like really close to Sasikheeran and Dharrmin. The three of us don't talk on Whatsapp everyday, we barely have time to call each other and all three of us have respective everyday task to do. The reason why we are still close up till this day is because we understand each other and other stuffs such as family friends. Sasi's mother is my aunt's friend and Dharrmin's uncle is my dad's primary school English teacher. Since, the three of us were in the same school during primary and when we became friends, our families knew each other for a long time so that's also another reason why we are close. Same goes to Indder , like his parents were friends with my family and that's also another valid reason why we are close friends. Also another fun fact, Sasi's father is friends with Indder's father and yup, in conclusion, everybody knows everybody okay? okay haha.

This one is also not from Instagram, trust me .

Now, let's move on to my another hangout with Indder. So, on the 3rd of Dec, Indder and my another two friends decided to go to Aman Central (again). Indder came to my house around 3.00 pm to fetch me and I told him not to bring his dad's new car and yet, he still brought it (faceplam) . So, after fetching me, we fetch our another two friends and we went to Aman Central. Indder just had to drive fast as fuck and I was like 'Indder, this car is worth 200k, just remember that'. We parked at level 6/7 and we started to walk and talk like crazy people that don't know where to go. Then, we went to some phone shop, bought earphones and chargers and all that ish before going to McDonalds. I repeat, McDonalds is literally my life nowadays, I'm effin obsessed with it's fries, McFlurry and all that good cholesterol filled fattening shit. We went to McDonalds, bought tons of food and drinks, there were only 4 of us and we had like 8 cups of drinks and don't ask me why did we even ordered that caramel mac after having large cups of coca-cola. We talked about life and our stupid high scool stories as usual haha and other stuffs then we decided to go home since it was already almost 7.30pm. Well, the day ended with us, caught in a traffic jam for 1+ hours, literally nothing was moving and I thought it was the mannequin challenge or something haha then we reached home around 9.00pm , it was a quick and great hangout although we just spend our time and money on food hahaha.

Yesterday (18th Dec) , I went out with Indder and I'm not gonna tell what we did because I'm already tired of typing and honestly let's move on to things that I have learned this year.

This year, 2016, I have learned that, being 18 is not that fun at all. It's fun when you can walk through GSC proudly after buying a 18+ movie ticket because you know no one can stop you haha. Being 18 has taught me that, always keep a distance with new friends, don't get too close because you don't know their true colors yet. Being 18 has also taught me that, your old friends from high school are gonna leave you and move on with their own respective lives. To my high school friends that are still in touch with me and still make time to talk to me, thank you so so much. To the people that deleted me out of their lives, well I hope you find someone that's even worse than me so that you will actually realize what a great friend I was. To the people that talk behind my back, well keep talking behind me because that's where you people belong. To all the people that supported me all year long, here's a virtual hug for each and every one of you. 

Special thanks to my homies; LTSLatenight, Drama Team, Anthe Gang, high school friends, childhood friends and my cousins for always making me laugh, like you guys are so funny as f. Thanks for all the weird audios, monthly pep talks, utter bullshit that doesn't make any sense, rants and everything else. I'm sorry, I thought of mentioning each one of you guys but I can't because I'm lazy to do it and I don't want to miss out anybody haha.

Merry Christmas in advanced to everyone and happy holidays (it's gonna end already! )

So here's to another year of awesomeness. 2017, be prepared!


and 2016, that's a wrap .

ps; I know this post is really messed up because I was talking about life, ranting then all of a sudden I was talking about my hangout and all that. Probably some of you didn't like it because I wasn't talking about one particular topic or maybe some of you liked it. Why am I talking as if someone's gonna read my blog. Well I know probably 1,2 of my friends are gonna read it so yeah at least I have readers yasss.

pps; just ignore all the typos and grammatical errors because I'm just lazy to read back and correct everything, or maybe I should check back, nah I'm not gonna waste time because after posting this, I'm just gonna scroll through Instagram or just binge watch something on Youtube because life's good haha.

ppps; don't be fooled guys, just because I'm going out quite often in December, doesn't mean I'm a social extrovert. It's just that I didn't hangout for so long and I don't usually go out, so yeah, that's just to clear things up, okay bye.

Thanks for reading till here. You deserve a cookie. Here ya go *insert cookie emoji* yay!

okay bye I'm serious bye!


Monday, July 25, 2016

July, (2) ; Overthinking .

Excuse me if I seem a little unimpressed with this
An anti-social pessimist but usually I don't mess with this
And I know you mean only the best and
Your intentions aren't to bother me
But honestly I'd rather be
Somewhere with my people we can kick it and just listen
To some music with the message (like we usually do)
And we'll discuss our big dreams
How we plan to take over the planet
So pardon my manners, I hope you'll understand it
That I'll be here
Not there in the kitchen with the girl
Who's always gossiping about her friends
So tell them I'll be here
Right next to the boy who's throwing up 'cause
He can't take what's in his cup no more
Oh God why am I here?

Friday, July 22, 2016


Ssup guys, it's been almost two months since my last update and I didn't update last month because I was kinda busy .

Today, I'm gonna share about something quite important and cliche'. I'm gonna talk about the truth of social media and not just any social media, I'm gonna talk about my social media. As my close friends know, I have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, WeChat, Whatsapp, Skype, Snapchat etc. But, I'm very active on Instagram and Twitter. That's because I'm into photography on Instagram and Twitter is a very fast and funny place. Although I'm very active on  social media , I'm not an over-sharer. An over-sharer means a person that shares basically everything that happens in their life on social media. No, I don't share everything that happens in my life on social media because I don't want to people to classify me as a social media addict or someone that's thirsty for attention. If you follow me on Instagram or Twitter, you will realize that I don't post pics everyday. I only post pics when I feel like doing them. I don't post pics just to make my Instagram feed nice and shit. I know some people might be thinking that I put too much pressure on myself for a 'beautiful' or 'feed goals' Instagram feed. No, I don't care about my feed at all. It's messy but as long as I'm happy with it then things are fine. Some people, even my close friends, tend to delete their older pictures on Instagram just because it's so called 'ugly' or 'not feed goals' or 'not matching my feed's current theme'. I don't do that because to me I feel like deleting my old pics is just the same as ' I don't want these memories anymore'. 

You might be thinking, why am I talking about Instagram all of a sudden. Well, let me spill it out. A few weeks ago, there was this one person that stopped me when I was going back from school, and honestly I have never seen that person before, I don't even know that person's name or where is that person from and basically that person was a stranger and that person suddenly asked me for a selfie. I asked that person 'why do you want to take a selfie, you barely know me and I barely know you' and that person replied 'No I just wanna take a selfie' and then I said 'Sorry, but I feel a lil segan', then that person replied this ;


Okay, so basically that person stalked my Instagram and what does that person meant by 'other people'  ? All those people that are present on my Instagram feed are my friends, not just any friends, most of them are family, childhood friends, and people that I'm close with. I'm frankly speaking, I don't just take selfies with random people and upload them on my Instagram to create a medium to show people that my social life is on fleek. If you wanna take a picture with me, it's okay I don't mind but be friends with me first. Honestly, I am really awkward in real life. I only talk to my close friends mostly because I'm awkward as f. You can actually ask the guy that spent 5 years sitting next to/in front of me , Aiman Ismail. He knows how awkward I am in real life. I'm not sombong or belagak and shit, it's just that I'm not comfortable with people that I don't know.

Some people are very open about their presence on social media. For example, every time there's some celebration at school for example, Raya celebration or some Hari Koko, I see some people uploading pictures with basically strangers. You can actually see the awkwardness in between them in the pictures because it's not real. They are just taking pictures to make themselves look good on social media. It's not wrong to do it but try to take pics with people that you're close with rather than strangers.

There's another thing that I discovered by myself and I felt like sharing it. Okay, I know you guys always hangout with friends and stuff right because I do that too. Usually, after hanging out with our friends, we will upload the pics that we took because it makes you happy, you don't wanna forget that day and you wanna display your true friendship goals online haha. Like after SPM ended, I went out with my friends and I uploaded some pics online. Months later, I look back at the pics and I felt plain. Because I felt like 'it wasnt a good hangout though, the movie we watched sucked and things happened' . I went out with one of my really close friends, Sasikheeran. We both watched Deadpool, played bowling, had brunch at pizza hut and I didn't even bother to take a single pic or even care to upload anything online about it and it was a really good hangout. Eventhough it was just two of us, but we talked tons of crap, watched an awesome movie, ate delicious food and spent quality time as bestfriends without the urge to display anything online. I guess sometimes you just have ignore your smartphones because things that happen in real life is what matters the most. 

So, I don't know whether you're gonna agree to my thoughts but hey, we all have freedom of speech. I know social media is a great way to communicate with friends and family but try not to be an over-sharer and upload every single meal you had, or every single selfie taken because we have to set a private space between the people online and yourself. Try not to judge people based on their presence on social media and take pictures with the people that really matters the most and always be happy.

ps; please ignore any typos or grammatical errors bc I'm lazy as f to edit
pps; I have tons of work to do but I'm still scrolling Twitter ,f
ppps; are you following me on Instagram ? If you do, is my feed 'feed goals' ? hahaha jk jk

Monday, May 02, 2016


When things go wrong, as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low and the debts are high;
and you want to smile but you have to sigh.
When all is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint on the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are;
It may be near when it seems far.
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit. 

- by John Greenleaf 

I must say, for the past 60 days I've been feeling very sad, dull and depressed almost all the time. People around me are just sitting down, and pointing out my mistakes. I just feel like I'm under a microscope all the time. I just don't want to follow people's paths. I have my own. I wanna be successful in doing what I love and not just blindly follow instructions from other people. I also have less friends around me now and some of my closest friends in high school don't even talk to me or reply my messages anymore. I hate growing up. I hate being in a community where no one accepts the person you are. No one says 'It's okay' if you don't want to become a doctor or a teacher. Where no one says congratulations to the person that didn't get straight A's, I just hope this generation of youths can actually change the typical mindset of people. I just don't understand why people around me just don't accept anyone that is trying to pursue a career in music/acting or sport. Why does everything need to be academically measured based on examinations and results.

Honestly if you ask me whether a straight A+ student is smart, I would reply,  No. Don't be shocked because that person might have gotten straight A+ by just basically memorizing all the facts and just copy pasting it on the exam sheets. There are so many people that didn't actually get good results in examinations but turned out to be smart in life. If you get good results, congrats! , if you didn't, congrats! too, because it's just an exam. Don't compare people because different people have different strengths and weaknesses so it's not human to actually compare one another. Just embrace who you are and do what ever you wanna do.

To end this very sudden update, I would like to say be kind to one another and chase you dreams. Do whatever you guys are passionate about and that's all I guess and let's make a difference so that the world will be a better place in future (and I sound like a cliche global warming campaign commercial) , bye :)

ps; it's just 14 days till 17 May

Thursday, March 03, 2016

Satisfied .

Hey guys, so the 3rd of March is finally over. Yes, finally I can actually move on with life. Honestly, on Wednesday night, I couldn't sleep, eat or even breathe properly. I was thinking about the results and yes, I was nervous like nervous to the level where I can't actually watch the TV or scroll my phone without imagining the word, SPM. I felt ready sad for some reasons that I can't actually tell you. You know, ever since day 1 of form 4 till the last day of form 5, I've never enjoyed studying, I always had a feeling that I made my biggest mistake. I got straight A's for PMR and yes, I was happy because I totally deserved it. But I wasn't happy in form 4 or 5 because I was in Science stream and that's when my self esteem lowered to the point where I felt like I was the stupidest person in the whole school. I felt extremely lonely and sad.

After nearly two years of being in Science stream, I was scared to face SPM. I was scared that maybe I wasn't ready to face all those super hard subjects. But guess what, time never stops. So, during the whole month of SPM, I was trying my best to understand every single question before answering it. I answered my best and I hoped for the best results. Almost all the subjects were hard and I even felt that I couldn't get an A for English.

After SPM ended, everyone was already partying / celebrating their 'independence' but I was still thinking about SPM, I was still thinking about all my answers and how hard it was. I felt like I wanna die before March arrives. A lot of my friends told me that SPM was hard, and they couldn't do a lot of questions. I felt relieved because I thought I was the only one that felt that way. Three months passed by so swiftly that results day was today. Although I'm typing this at 1;31 a.m on the 4th of March but I'm still going to consider it's the 3rd of March.

So, today morning I went to school and I felt so nervous. I walked into the Dewan and a lot of parents were already there. I went to my friends and we talked. All of them were just as nervous as me and all together we were just one big bunch of nervous teenagers trying to figure out what the hell life's about. Then they started announcing all the Straight A's students and when they announced Afiqah Chek and Melissa Suraya, I was happy because they are really smart and they totally deserved it haha congrats guys if you guys are even reading my blog haha. After all of that, we can finally take our results. So as I expected, I didn't get straight A's and I went to my class teacher and she said 'Congrats Jay!' and she gave me my results. I looked at it and I felt satisfied then my classmates took their results too and they kinda got the same results as mine and we were just smiling. Then, I looked back again at my results and I got 3 B+ , like what the hell if all of that is like A- , I would be getting 8A's. But I was beyond grateful that my results are average and just fine.

I came back home and my Whatsapp was flooding with messages. I got to know that Dharrmin and Sid got 10A's , Sasi got 8A's, Sharon got 8A's, Morgan got 9A's and one of my cousin got 10A's. Yes, immediately I felt stupid. I felt like they were saying the exams were hard and they go straight A's, while I was saying the exams were hard and I only got an average result. I just went into my room, cried and I felt stupid; again. I felt stupid because I didn't get 8A's or anything. I felt my results was just a wooden fence and their results was the huge triple storey mansion behind the wooden fence. Then, I felt sad, I didn't eat lunch and proceed to reply all the congrats messages that were sent to me. I felt happy at school, but now I feel like shit at home. I have no one to talk to and I feel like my future's over. Then, I calmed myself down and I talked to myself. 

I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. I'm sure all my friends are gonna get scholarships and they will be leaving this place and going to a new place to future their studies. I don't know whether I can even get any courses. I just feel the best thing now is to do form 6 or maybe go to matrics. I have no idea what I'm gonna do with my life. Why does my results have to be so average? Am I being ungrateful? No, I'm satisfied and grateful with my results. I just hope people won't say bad things about me just because I didn't get straight A's for SPM like how I got for UPSR & PMR. As I'm finishing this paragraph, tears are rolling down my cheeks, I'm crying because I hate myself and there's nothing anyone can do about it- bye .

ps; just ignore all the typos, just too tired to even read this back ;(


Monday, February 01, 2016

Inspirations and Rants.

so, today is indeed a special day, it's the 1st of February and that means we are gonna go through the shortest month of the whole year and hell is approaching. Are you puzzled when I said hell's approaching? well be puzzled no more as March is gonna arrive quite soon and yes, I'm already freakin' out. Anyways, before I start talking about the results and stuffs, I just wanna say I'm currently having the time of my life. I'm free as a plankton in the Pacific Ocean and now, mother effin Big Beluga Whale is gonna swallow me 30 days from now. Isn't life beautiful and sophisticated enough for us to all plan our death day earlier. 

Yesterday, I went to the Karnival Jom Masuk U that was held at the one and only Stadium Darul Aman and yes, it was like hectic. It was like Tesco had a sale and people had only 2 minutes to grab their gluten free vege (what the hell am I talking). So, I went there around 9 in the morning and I waited for approx another 1 hour and 30 damn minutes for my another two friends to arrive then all three of us went into the carnival and I was already blur as f. First things first, I don't even have a clue what the hell I'm gonna study and what the hell I'm gonna do with my life. Yes, everyone please give a round of applause to me because I'm just weird and so not prepared. I walked like a hobo that's homeless and literally starving for a week as I braced the crowds of really annoying people. A lot of people were in there and that place was like stuffed. I finally felt the same way as a sardine. Like, from now on I promise to all sardines in the world that I feel bad for you sardines to be in an effin can for 12 months. 

I went to a couple of universities and as usual just ask some weird questions. At that exact moment I knew what I was gonna be, I knew it, I was happy, I heard firecrackers and I saw crowds cheering my name, and awards and yes, I saw myself in Youtube FanFest. If you're my friend, let me tell you a few things,you should by now know why the f I mentioned Youtube FanFest. Okay,after SPM ended, life was beautiful, I can finally know how it feels to be a Tesco plastic bag. Yes, Katy Perry yes stop asking me "do you feel like a plastic bag?' because yes I know how I feel now. I'm mentioning Tesco since just now, okay, Tesco pay me now or at least please don't effin charge me for plastic bags on Saturdays !

As you all know, how much I love Youtube and how it has become like a huge part of my life right now. I'm currently watching a lot of Youtube videos nowadays and I feel happy. I'm a huge fan of the one and only, iiSuperwomanii a.k.a Lilly Singh because she's dope. I admire her so much because the purpose of her uploading videos online because she has depression and she wants to self medicate herself and she wants people to be happy all the time. Isn't she amazing?!?! and her movie which is a documentary about her world tour is gonna be on youtubeRed this month and I'm absolutely looking forward.

Lilly Singh is only the youtuber that has created a global fan base by uploading videos, there are many others that inspire me everyday. Connor Franta is freakin awesome as hell. He is so deep and he's really good in giving life advices and he's talented in both writing and photography. Colleen Ballinger / Miranda Sings , she's the reason why I laugh everyday and she's super insprational and I love her videos and she's talented as f. Ryan Higa is the reason why I feel stupid, like have you seen his videos, like he edits it in so many mind blowing ways and I love his sense of humor. Lastly, Jenna Marbles is the reason haters should shut the f up because she has achieved so many great things and she's the most subscribed female on youtube.

All these people above achieved their success because they are doing what they love. Even though some people might disagree with me but these people are actually paving the way for the digital era by displaying their digital talent. I really hope one day I can do the same because to me , having your own youtube channel is like having your own country. You're the King, President and the people. You can talk what ever you want to talk and it's your own space and no one is allowed to change it or make a difference. I just hope one day I can make my own youtube channel and make weekly videos for people around the world.

Then after the carnival, I and my friends, we walked to city plaza and had McD for lunch and we watched a horror movie before hitting back home. Honestly, I just wanna say, throughout my whole high school years, I felt like people were constantly lying to me. It's not they are lying to me about typical stuffs but I felt they were lying to me about their life. Even though high school ended and a lot of people have already closed the book, but not me. I'm always reflecting what I did in high school and I realized that my real friends were decreasing every year till the last year. I just hope that they will live happily ever after or so. As usual, I'm going to end this update with a huge thanks to all the people that stayed with me though the thick and thin, I love you guys and bye.

p.s ; just ignore all the typos :)